To The Loser Goes the Spoils

                                                                        barham-history.net

Don’t look now, but the South is getting ready to rise again!  And again.  And again.  We rise only to fall in vain each November.  But this year, I am full of hope.  Fall no more, you heroes of the South.  This year, we’ve got em!  This year, it will be different.  This year we will rise victorious! 

See, this year is the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the beginning of the Civil War here in Charleston.  And we are feeling lucky.  As summer winds down, Sons of the Confederacy are polishing buttons, cleaning rifles and laying plans to crush the wicked Yanks.  Mark it down, November 11 and 12 are ass kickin’ days in Charleston.  It’s reenactment time! 

What ?  You might ask.

For those of you who moved here from Ohio, allow me to explain.  A Civil War reenactment is where grown men dress in period attire, fire fake ammunition at each other, get pretend killed and lay for hours in the Carolina sun to prove we got our asses kicked this time just as bad as last time!  Just in case anyone forgot.

But, you can’t forget when you live in the South.  Reminders are everywhere.  The good:  The old historic homes of the South, the carriage tours, the heartfelt stories of soldiers on BOTH sides and the difficulties they endured.  Then, there is the bad:  rednecks who really do believe slavery of other humans was a good idea, The Klan and beat up pick-up trucks with Confederate Flag bumper stickers proclaiming “Damn right I am a redneck!” (like we couldn’t have guessed).

                                                                                          cmofosho.wordpress.com

                                                                Momma is so proud!

I am Southern, I don’t get it.  We lost.  You don’t get to celebrate losses.  Ask the Miami Heat.  We have got to be the dumbest people on the planet.  Who else celebrates a war they LOST?  The British….No.  There are NO Colonial Days celebrations in London.  The Germans……Nope.  They don’t fly the Nazi flag and talk about the glory years.  Why here? 

It could be about a fundamental philosophy.  But it’s not.  It could be about historical education.  But, it’s not.  Many kids today couldn’t tell you who fought in the war, much less who was on which side. 

No, this is about capitalism!  Red blooded, flag waving, yee-hawing capitalism.  Tourists have money and are suckers for a good story.  And we have confederate hats, confederate t-shirts, confederate ashtrays (top seller), confederate bikinis and hell, probably confederate condoms with “The South Shall Rise Again” written on its  sleeve!

                                                                                whichwouldyoubang.com

Better keep that condom handy

(Ok, the Conferdate Condom is actually a good idea.  It is also now dated for copyright protection, so don’t even think about it!)

You don't have to understand what drives this fascination with our failed military camaign.  Hell, I don't.  But, be hesitant to write these persistent Southerns off.  It would be a mistake to be so sure that the South will not rise again.  It very well may.  The Rust Belt is dying, the southern Sun Belt is thriving.  Most of Ohio lives in Mount Pleasant now.  A revolution is brewing.

So, come to Charleston, ya’ll.  Join the Rebellion. Enjoy the show.  Buy our junk. And by all means, see the reenactment. 

 Just bet on Blue…….the outcome is rigged.

Lord Overseer Reforms Traffic Laws for the Better Good

Nothing makes you hate humanity as much as a long drive, especially a long drive on a holiday weekend surrounded by scores of people who have obviously never read the Driver’s Manual.  I know that we live in a free country, but there must be limits to freedom for everyone’s good.  Every state lays claim to having the worst drivers, but idiots are idiots everywhere regardless of their license tag.

                                                                      mzkandygsmindtease.blogspot.com

Move Over, meathead!

What is the attraction with the left lane?  It seems to act as an aphrodisiac for the vehicularly challenged.  Let’s get this out there right off the bat.  The left lane is called the PASSING lane.  Not the fast lane, not the eventually passing something sometime in the near future lane.  Just the PASSING lane.   It is a lane designed for a temporary action……..PASSING.  Too many people view the left lane as a divine right as they pass judgement upon all fellow drivers and their intentions.  I actually heard someone tell me “I am going fast”.  The problem here is that fast is a relative term.  Not an absolute.  It is simple really……PASS and GET OVER, repeat as needed.

                                                                                            bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com

My newest gripe, and one I believe to be completely American, is the problem of parking an obviously too big car in a small parking place.  First of all, who really NEEDS a Suburban?  “Oh, but I have to carpool the kids.”  How many?  Unless you gave birth to a baseball team, a mini-van will do quite nicely. How fat are these kids to need a boxcar to ride to the game in?

 But, wait this is America….Land of the Large.  Soccer Moms with penis envy?  Possibly. 

                                                                                   livescience.com

Last week, as I circled frantically, like a crack addicted shark, though the spirals of a downtown parking garage, I came to the eventual conclusion that Suburbans are now classified as a “compact” car.  Who knew?  But, in one ten car span of the sprawling garage their were EIGHT, count them, EIGHT large SUV’s or Suburbans crammed door to door with barely enough room for a breeze to blow between them.  How are those fat kids ever going to get out?  At least crack the windows for them and don’t be gone too long.

mymodernmet.com

I propose a new law.  Since we have exceptions in our law for justifiable homicide, I think it is only fair that we have create justifiable vandalism.  So, the next time some jackass parks four inches from your driver’s side door, (requiring you to apply lube to get in), you have legal recourse.  Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

(By the way, I am not sexist.  I happen to LOVE soccer moms!)

                                                                                               rumorsandrants.com

"Hope, call me......I'm waiting"

Lord Overseer Tackles Immigration Reform

Immigration Reform:

Now that we have settled the matter of breeding for success, it is time to turn our attention toward another issue that has long divided our country.  Illegal immigration.  There is no doubt that we are in the midst of a wave of rapid immigration, especially from our more, shall we say, “tropical” nearby countries. 

We will never stop people from wanting to come to the US.  We are the “Land of Opportunity” after all and all people want to improve their station in life.  But, truthfully, they all won’t be gems.  Not everyone who walks through the desert or hops on an inner tube to come here will wind up being the next Oppenheimer or Kissenger.  Some will be criminals or lazy slogs milking the system.  We must have a way to rid ourselves of the undesirables.

I, however, have come up with a very simple solution to controlling our immigration problems.  I believe soccer, or futebol, holds the key to successful immigration control.  Since the entire world is futebol crazy, except us (ok, and Canada), maybe we can use it to our advantage.  Here is the premise.  Everyone gets in and is immediately issued a GREEN card.  Suit up Jose, ready to play.  However, at the first major screw up…………..boom, YELLOW card.  That’s right……..better straighten up……on notice.  A second screw up.  Bam!  RED card!  Pack it up Paco, game over.  Off you go. 

boxofficefootball.com

I like it.  It’s simple.  The rules are already understood in all the countries where the immigrants came from.  It is cheaper.  The players don’t even have to speak English to follow the process. How great is that?  Done.  Next.

Seriously though, a little history lesson might serve some of those blood thirsty patriots some good.  First, of all….the Spanish, not the English got here first.  By about a hundred years!  St. Augustine, founded by Spanish was our first permanent settlement.  Cortez, De Soto and Menendez were cleansing the native population well before we perfected it.  Actually, we are the immigrants.  Ask an Indian.

We now have more people in our communities speaking Spanish than I heard during my weeklong vacation in Mexico.  Red blooded Americans everywhere are up in arms…….”they are taking our jobs”………”if they are coming here, damnit, they better learn English”.   Well, that’s true…..somebody should.  It’s not like we have ANYONE here who struggles with the King’s English, is it? Know what I sayin?  That is if you ignore rap music, interviews with most NBA or NFL players, and most mountainous regions in the US.  Ok, except for Colorado, somehow.  And as for taking our jobs…….   Well, it’s been a while since I worked in a field picking fruit, but I was hoping to get back to it some day.  Come on.  And I am sure that all of that money they are taking from us is above the table and reported on tax returns, right?  Funny, on my way to work every morning I pass a Hispanic work crew.  If we have such a problem with them being here, maybe we should stop hiring them.  Just a thought.

Last thought:  I wonder if they are treated as well here as we are when our cruise ships stop or the resort stay is over.  During my vacation, I never heard anyone yell “Go home, Gringo!” 

Frosty the Racist

                                                        jamieumbc.com

Living in beautiful Charleston, winter can often go by without much notice.  Often, it is so warm at Christmas that an afternoon sunning at the beach is much more likely than even a hint of a snowflake.  The lack of holiday weather always makes me look forward to the drive to my family home in Kentucky where a white Christmas is at least a possibility.  As the Lowcountry becomes the piedmont of Central South Carolina, and eventually the foothills of the Appalachians, I become more nostalgic about Christmas’ of my childhood.  The mountains wrap tighter around my Subaru as I near my hometown and signs of Christmas begin to come more frequent.  Lights on all the houses, snowflakes, my breath fogging from the chilly temperature.  Hillside lawns become the stages for Nativity scenes, Santa’s Wonderlands and the like.  But, none can compare to my favorite holiday vision on my journey.  It lies just north of Gate City, Virginia and it is what I have come to believe is the epitome of the holiday spirit in Southwestern Virginia.

I call him “Frosty the Racist” and he is glorious!  He calls home the front lawn of a small home of modest means.  He stands there with a perm-a-grin from ear to ear, rosy cheeks and an artificially lit top hat, which he politely tips to all who pass by. 

                                                             Have a WHITE Christmas, Ya'll

 Nothing special about this Frosty some would say, but they would be wrong.  What makes THIS Frosty special is not his cheery disposition about the holiday season, but his strong views on political history, particularly state’s rights and slavery.  See THIS Frosty takes up residence each year under a twenty-five foot tall flag pole draped with a large Confederate flag! 

It is an odd pairing, an iconic figure of the peace and happiness of the holiday season standing in rank and file with the South’s most controversial symbol of oppression.  Errrh…….heritage.   Sorry.

How a snowman formed such views, especially in the short Virginia winter, is a mystery that keeps me occupied for the remainder of my drive home.  Maybe he had relatives, long since melted, who stood sentry at Confederate campgrounds.  Perhaps, he lost an ancestor in a tragic battle between the states.  Rifle shot with through the snowballs…..who knows?  Or maybe he just hates black people.  But, I doubt he would ever admit that.

Each year I weigh my desire to know my portly friend’s motives for his political stance against my need to hurry home to see my family.  I slow the car, as I am tempted to knock on the door of this humble little home and ask for clarification.  But, in the end, I always just give a quick wave and wish him a Merry Christmas.  I know I will see him soon enough.  He’ll be back again one day.  When the South Rises Again

Great Scott for Lord Overseer 2012

In the wake of the recent year's political turmoil, I have come to the conclusion that America needs change.  Not Obama change, we know how conservative white people feel about that!  No, I am talking earth shattering, mind blowing, glorious change.  Change like that doesn't come easily and I am convinced that a government of more than one office simply could never accomplish the sweeping change that we will need to continue to be the world's best country.  Therefore, I will need to abolish the old system of representation and simply assume control.  With most of us knowing more about the cast of "Jersey Shore" and wondering who is getting a rose at the next rose ceremony, it shouldn't be too hard. 

Here are a few of the ideas that I believe will put us back on the track to prosperity:

1.   I think forced sterilization until you can prove your worth is an excellent idea. Obviously, educationally, the US is struggling, every country we have conquered militarily is kicking our ass educationally and economically.  In our country you have to have a license to drive, vote, work in most professions and even fish or hunt.  But, when it comes to breeding........hell, let the dumbasses at it.  And boy, are they good at it.  It seems that the dumber people are, the more fertile they are.  Think Des Moine septuplets.  If the trailer's rockin', don't bother knockin'.....and don't wake up the 8 kids asleep in the other bedroom.  Mandatory sterilization would solve so many problems currently plauging our society.  Here is the plan.  When children start school, they receive a report card, like in the old days.  Each time they pass a year or prove exceptional worth, they get a star.  When their card is full of stars, stop sterilizing.  You are now free to breed.  Go fornicate with society's blessing.  Godspeed.  If, however, you lose your card or fail to fill it with stars......keep the drugs flowing.  In only a few short years, test scores will begin to rise, standard of living and health will improve dramatically, the country's revenue situation will  improve dramatically, welfare should cease to be needed, etc.  It may be the single most effective legislation in our fine country's history.  Now, before you call this idea racist or Nazi inspired, understand it is not based on any physical or religious standard, just incompetence......and that is something I think we can all get behind!  In fact, the Mormons have already taken great strides toward this measure.  Whether you agree with them religiously or not, you must admit they are very smart citizens and generally high acheivers.  Damn you, Tim Tebow.  While the Mormon students are in college at BYU, they are strongly encouraged to take a mate (yes, there are even marriage assistance programs on campus....I have been there.).  They are even threatened that failing to mate with a compatible, college educated fellow Mormon may have eternal consequences.  Good Mormon students are expected to marry, mate and as quick as possible breed enough to fill up a mini van full of young outliers worthy of the obligatory LDS sticker in the back window.  Currently, Mormonism is the fasting growing faith in the world and the second richest in the world, right behind the Catholics.....and they had a bid head start.  Folks......if we want proof of selective breeding ......look no further.  It will work based on aptitude as well.  The best part is everyone gets a fair shot, even illegal aliens......which brings me to my next point.  Simplify immigration.

Welcome to the World of Great Scott!

Welcome to my world!  My sincere wish is that I can humor you at times, challenge your beliefs at times, and yes.......probably offend you at times.  I find humor in most situations and stupidity in the rest.  Sometimes, I get lucky and can kill two birds with one stone!  Looking at you Sarah Palin.  Oh no, I could not have gone political already.  But, I am sure there is at least one helmet in her closet. 

So, let's get to know each other a little better.  Let's talk about me, since it's my blog.  I am a forty - six year old, white guy.  I know that because I have a mirror.  It isn't a superiority thing......just the way I popped out.  Definately not a slight to women or anyone of any other race.  I live in South Carolina (insert your own joke here......we tend to give people a lot of material to work with!).  I moved here from Kentucky.  Not the beautiful horse park Kentucky, but the part that normally is reserved for PBS specials about inbreeding and poverty.  If you are wondering, 3rd cousins are considered ok, but definately no 2nd cousins.   That would be weird.  Actually, there are some great people there, just not the ones who want to stand in front of news camera.

I teach in a public school.  49th in the country!  You suck Mississippi!  But, we sure are glad you exist.  The operative word in that sentence is "public" as in everyone.  While most of my teaching experiences are very rewarding, there are days when I think Darwin needs to kick it up a notch!  But, we can talk about that more later. 

I have some strange and some would say warped views on many things.  But, since we are 49th in education, I take the criticism with a grain of salt.....and once in awhile tequila.  So, let's strap in (yes...in) and get down to it.  Nice to meet you.